Giving too much

I give too much of myself.

I give up too much of time – checking emails whilst in bed, writing press releases on the train, meetings during the day, attending events during the evening and planning my own late into the night. I take on new projects others have little time for. And I mentor those who care, helping them focus their energy.

I give up too much of my love – continuing to help even when they’ve turned away before, remembering to forgive and give ‘just one more chance, just this last time – I promise‘. I prioritise the feelings and happiness of others above my own. And I will put myself on the line for the people and causes I care about. 

I give up too much of my health. ‘Just this one last thing’ when I should be eating or sleeping. Or foregoing it altogether when time is pressed yet another issue cuts in. I bare the weight of all the confidential stories – the mistreatment and unfair dismissals, the abuse and the violence – carrying them with a jolly smile so they know all is not lost.

And because I only have a certain amount of time, love and health, I give away myself. But all of this I give because what I get back is my world. The stress and the pain and the lack of sleep I suffer – all forgotten when we win and we rejoice. My self forgotten for a short time so myself can be forever.

Me trying to get people to do things.

And I expect that from others. I expect them to know or to learn. I expect them to drop ‘it’ for ‘it all’. And most of all, I expect them to care. And because they care, I expect them to see and to plan and to do.

But we can’t rely on others. And that is why I give too much of myself.

Don’t depend too much of anyone in this world, even your shadow leaves you when you’re in darkness – anon

image sources: 1 and 2

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12 thoughts on “Giving too much

  1. You’re right being woke. Sometimes we expect people to care about us as much as we care about them. It’s happened to me and it’s quite heartbreaking. I’m the type of person who kind of gets obsessed with a friendship and that has cost me several relationships. I deleted my Instagram for this reason…and because of FOMO fear of missing out. Seeing people organize parties without me when just a weekend ago I had done so for them was offensive. So I got rid of Instagram and all I’m left with is one-on-one texting and this blog.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I think for me it’s more impersonal relationships and expecting people to do as much work as I do. Thankfully my friendship relationships are much much different. But I can totally empathise with you. Hoping you find people that deserve the love you give them!

      Liked by 1 person

      • I also have the same experience of deleting accounts because of relationships (facebook instead of instagram). I used to feel bad when I see how other people are doing in their lives. I always have a hard time belonging because I always feel like I put too much effort just to be appreciated but I always feel left out even when people say they like being with me. My relationships fail because of that feeling but then I realized: it’s not the people that put me down, it’s me and my expectations of them. When I give myself, I give my all and then some more and makes it so difficult not to expect anything.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I thinks that’s defiantly a step in the right direction – you recognising these patters so perhaps you can work on now expecting so much off personal relationships. After all, people have different priorities in life. It’s annoying but it’s what makes us human.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You know… I do the same thing! I sacrifice my own needs to satisfy the needs of others first. I realize that maybe this is not the best thing to do but I cannot help my caring nature. Simply, it pains me to see others in pain and so I feel obligated to give part of myself up so that they may be healed. In the end, I do hope that such feelings and acts are returned and that is all I can hope for honestly.
    I recognize that I cannot force someone to do something and I cannot expect everyone to do what I do. Still, there are those few who will return such favors and they are the ones worth really giving too much for.
    Beingwoke, I promise all is not lost. 🙂 The world needs people like us to give a little too much. After all, humanity seems to complain when we suddenly disappear (even though they do not fully appreciate our efforts when we are present.) Carry onward, giving parts of yourself but just remember to keep some left over for you when YOU truly need it most. 😉

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Wanted to reply to your comment on my blog.. can’t post my friends will think I’m going crazy when I act absolutely fine with them.. I don’t have a single feeling. Lots of them come together and make me that way. Make me miserable enough to write whatever I did. So idk if its anxiety but I just know that Im not happy. Sadly no doctor can help.

    Liked by 1 person

    • We all have times when we feel sadder than usual but sometimes that feeling can turn into poor health. If you can speak to people offline perhaps online? There are for example apps where you can post anonymously and mental health forums you may want to check out.

      Like

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