High Expectations

Here’s the thing. I have so many things I want to say. I want to talk about the politics of hair, counter-terrorism strategies, my ex, my trips abroad, jealousy amongst friends, “Muslim/Black/Asian timing”, being too passionate, people not being who you thought they were, “broken” families, people of colour being seen as aggressive versus confident, resistance of power…

Yes, I do have so many things I want to talk about. But I haven’t found the words to talk about them yet. They don’t read how they sound in my head, the passion I feel muddled and unclear. Or others have just said them way better than me already – funnier, smarter, just better.

Just recently I wrote a post about Bitch Better Have My Money and the ridiculous reaction to it (especially from white feminists). I wrote the post and then did a Google (yes a verb) to see what others had said on it. One of my favs being by Black Girl Dangerous. So I deleted my post, satisfied that all I wanted to say had already been said, better.

And I have high standards for myself. God knows the number of times I have written an entire post and deleted it. Even today I have started around 5 different posts.

When I started this blog I had such a build up of thoughts that I sometimes had a few days worth of posts, all staggered and ready to go. And then those dried up and now I’ve been writing every day. And it’s been hard. Not because I haven’t got things to write about, but because I don’t like how I write. And there are a few posts on my site that I don’t revisit even now because I hate them. I am a perfectionist. And perhaps I set myself up to fail by expecting daily posts, but it’s a challenge I’m not ready to give up on.

So I went on a blog hunt – cue bear hunt song. Checking out challenges, reading comments and discovering new sites. But none of it felt right. I don’t have a story bubbling inside of me right now. And I want my posts to be organic, not forced.

So I guess today’s post is about me not having a post…

But it’s also about expectations you set yourself. Yes, I may not be happy with every post I write, and sometimes I will post something I am pretty embarrassed about. Yet, I hope me pushing myself, writing everyday, will mean, over time, the quality of what I write will improve. I doubt my standards will reduce. Perhaps it’s left over residue of my father constantly being disappointed. But that’s OK. I will reap the benefits of this, not him.

So for those of you going through a similar thing, or perhaps a complete writers block – it’s ok. High expectations lead to high achievement. Try writing a few words, rather than no words. 

17 thoughts on “High Expectations

  1. “They don’t read how they sound in my head, the passion I feel muddled and unclear. Or others have just said them way better than me already – funnier, smarter, just better.”

    Yes. So much this. I know exactly what you mean. And Black Girl Dangerous? Wow, you’re setting the bar high!

    Keep writing anyway. I like reading what you say.

    Liked by 1 person

      • That makes sense to me. But just because something has been written “better” somewhere else shouldn’t stop you—because it still doesn’t have YOUR perspective. And isn’t it great to get multiple perspectives on things?

        Now I’m resolving to revisit some things I’ve also not written about because someone else already did it “better”… 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

  2. I feel like this is basically everything I am thinking. I wake up with amazing ideas then sit down to note them all down only to find myself staring at a blank screen very much mirroring my mind. It is frustrating because when I started this blog I thought I would literally always have something to write about and it would be the lack of time to do it that would be the issue- how deluded of me! As for the daily prompts… maybe I could write a post about how much I ain’t feeling them.

    Liked by 1 person

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