High Expectations

Here’s the thing. I have so many things I want to say. I want to talk about the politics of hair, counter-terrorism strategies, my ex, my trips abroad, jealousy amongst friends, “Muslim/Black/Asian timing”, being too passionate, people not being who you thought they were, “broken” families, people of colour being seen as aggressive versus confident, resistance of power…

Yes, I do have so many things I want to talk about. But I haven’t found the words to talk about them yet. They don’t read how they sound in my head, the passion I feel muddled and unclear. Or others have just said them way better than me already – funnier, smarter, just better.

Just recently I wrote a post about Bitch Better Have My Money and the ridiculous reaction to it (especially from white feminists). I wrote the post and then did a Google (yes a verb) to see what others had said on it. One of my favs being by Black Girl Dangerous. So I deleted my post, satisfied that all I wanted to say had already been said, better.

And I have high standards for myself. God knows the number of times I have written an entire post and deleted it. Even today I have started around 5 different posts.

When I started this blog I had such a build up of thoughts that I sometimes had a few days worth of posts, all staggered and ready to go. And then those dried up and now I’ve been writing every day. And it’s been hard. Not because I haven’t got things to write about, but because I don’t like how I write. And there are a few posts on my site that I don’t revisit even now because I hate them. I am a perfectionist. And perhaps I set myself up to fail by expecting daily posts, but it’s a challenge I’m not ready to give up on.

So I went on a blog hunt – cue bear hunt song. Checking out challenges, reading comments and discovering new sites. But none of it felt right. I don’t have a story bubbling inside of me right now. And I want my posts to be organic, not forced.

So I guess today’s post is about me not having a post…

But it’s also about expectations you set yourself. Yes, I may not be happy with every post I write, and sometimes I will post something I am pretty embarrassed about. Yet, I hope me pushing myself, writing everyday, will mean, over time, the quality of what I write will improve. I doubt my standards will reduce. Perhaps it’s left over residue of my father constantly being disappointed. But that’s OK. I will reap the benefits of this, not him.

So for those of you going through a similar thing, or perhaps a complete writers block – it’s ok. High expectations lead to high achievement. Try writing a few words, rather than no words.