Mixed Messages

guys will hear what they want to hear.

This is the advice my friend, male, gave me when I retold a story of how a guy I had just met at a conference practically proposed to me. As I recalled the conversation I had with this eager beaver, my friend explained the meaning behind every phrase. Me saying I had enjoyed meeting the awesome people translated as he was awesome, for example.

No. Just no.

Now this is an extreme case, but over the years, I have had the problem of giving mixed messages to guys. Somehow, me pulling up a chair so they could sit next to me rather than stand, helping with coursework, offering advice with their own love life turned to proclamation of my own love interest for them. These guys were seeing stuff that just wasn’t there. I called them mate and bro. I never let them call me babe or kissed them on the cheek. I let them know I was in a long-term relationship (when this was the case). But I think it was often how relaxed I was around them, how I genuinely cared, the way I let myself be ‘one of them’ that led to this misunderstanding. This confusion that somehow he was special and I was extra comfortable around him.

Me thinking I’m flirting. Source

And once or twice, perhaps feelings were there. Did I flirt? Was it inappropriate for me to be talking to him well into dawn, about things that were personal? Did staying back late working with him and spending every lunch with him, building on a relationship that shouldn’t have developed? Should I have laughed so hard at his jokes, and taken so much of an interest in the games he played or books he read? But it was confusing. I don’t know if feelings were there in me because I knew they were there in him. Did I just like knowing I could get him to like me, or did I actually like him? This whole love and lust game is way too confusing. I seem to be sending signals to people I care not about, and failing to catch the interest of those I genuinely do. I seem to misjudge tones, completely missing signs of interest and perhaps seeing it in places where they do not exist. Yes, it’s a confusing game – so I think I’ll stop playing and try a more upfront approach in finding my perfect guy.

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6 thoughts on “Mixed Messages

  1. You know, it’s not the easiest thing trying to send the proper message to someone; especially as a girl to a guy. I think you have every right to feel good and live even if that happiness is supplied by temporary acquaintances. It sure might seem like mixed messages but, also stating your ground if they seem persistent is another way to solidify your “we’re not getting together” message. Just my two cents.

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    • Omg yes! This is what I came to realise. I was so naive at the beginning of college and didn’t realise that they were taking everything I said in this way.
      I guess the line is where you want it to be. So long as you think you’re cool and not crossing boundaries that should be fine. Don’t let their stupidity make you feel bad!

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Wonder if one solution would be to wear a simple ring, something cheap like a few pounds, and let people think you were engaged. Might help ward off unwanted advances. Or accept any proposals with an enthusiastic “this would be fantastic, i could stay at home and have 10 or 12 children, a huge family like I’ve always wanted. My mom and aunt could live with us and help with the kids, and I could finally stop this stupid diet I’m on eat as much as i want. And i could quit school and my job and watch tv more….” Assume the unwanted advance would quickly be withdrawn.

    Liked by 1 person

    • See I was actually engaged till about February/march. And I’ll be honest – it was a big help for a lot (not all) guys. But I don’t want to let people think in engaged now – what if the guy who’s perfect for me ends up thinking in engaged?
      And the whole – I can stop working etc etc line would probably make some south Asian guys over the moon (I kid you not!) so I think me working and being independant is more of a deterrent!

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