Dear ex-fiancée

I knew you were wrong for me right at the start. As soon as I said yes. The first time, seven years ago. When I said yes to you asking me out over the phone. You didn’t even give me the respect then to ask me face to face. No romantic gestures, not even your whole heart.
And I regret it. I regret all those nights wasted talking to you, hearing your tales even though I knew they were lies. I regret all those days I lied to my friends and families, missing out on meals with them so I could see you. I regret all the times I let you see me and touch me in ways no one else had. I regret baring the deepest secrets only for you to manipulate and twist my words. I regret the tears flown and the compromises made even when I knew I was right and you were wrong. There are so many things I regret. Seven years of regret.

I wish I did not keep coming back to you. Time and time again. Even though I knew you were twisted and twisting me. You did not make me grow but rather tried to contain and control me. I wonder still how much further I would have flown if you had not clipped me.

But through all that regret, I am grateful. Grateful for the lessons learnt, for the support my family provided me, and the resilience I grew to adopt. And most of all, I am so grateful I did not marry you.

I don’t thank you for those. Those were all me. But I forgive you. I know you’re suffering something deeper which means you don’t know how to love without taking, how to respect without hurting or how to talk without lying.

Do you regret? Do you regret flirting with her which then turned into full on cheating? Do you regret just not telling me at the start rather than continuing for four years? Do you regret all the times you didn’t trust me, even though I’ve always been nothing my faithful to you – perhaps a little naive? Do you regret hurting my family in the process?

I am better than you in every sense of the word. I see that now, though I didn’t see it then. Education, work, looks, friends, faith, passion. Is that why you were always so insecure? Do you regret not fighting harder to keep me?

I just hope you regret what you did to me so that no one else has to go through the same.

This post was prompted by the word ‘regret’ – as part of the one word inspiration challenge suggested by Writing 101. What do you regret from a past relationship?

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