News and thoughts 

The last few months have been an onslaught of news – the systematic rise of democratically and legal oppression. Everything from Trump (and how much of a focus there was on the individual rather than the mainstream ideology he represents) followed by the #MuslimBan to the recent EU hijab ban. It’s all been a tidal wave of news after fake news. Exhausting. 

So I have stayed away from it all. I have been doing a lot of thinking – around the political climate we find ourselves in, whether there can be hope in all this – we have seen successes and a uniting of people’s in ways we haven’t seen, when is violence acceptable (following the split in opinion over the punching of the far-right “alt-right” leader), and why are people forced to prove themselves worthy of humanity for people to care (where doctors being affect by the #MuslimBan were seen as more worthy of their citizenship compared to a house wife on welfare for example). 

And I appreciate the above is all a word vomit. Especially on a day like today when we mourn the death of innocent people and wonder again what happened to humanity.  

On our screens we see a hatefilled terrorist who murdered and hurt too many innocent lives. And it’s painful – the waste and cruelty of it all. So twisted and confusing. MUSLIM TERRORIST they shout as soon as they see brown skin. No further evidence needed. It seems this has now been proven false and it is still unknown whether this was a politically motivated attack. 

But news is news, who needs facts when propaganda material is so readily available. Let us headline Tommy Robinson, not an expert not witness but someone who blames “Asian culture” and “Islam” for what happened. 

And I am filled in deep sorrow knowing what is to come. The increase in racism and islamophobia – spitting on the streets, girls hijabs pulled off their head, old men beaten up as they return home from prayer. The strengthing of racist and islamophobic laws. The fuel required by the rising powers to keep on rising. Towering over us with their watchful eyes as they strip away our rights and justice. 

Tighten the borders they should. *But he was born here*. Ship them all out is what they mean. 

And no one will say anything because they are scared. 
Any hope is hard to muster and I can’t help but know darker days are to come

The one that will get away

As we sit in blissful silence I feel safe and content. You are the one I don’t need to try with. I want to rest my head on your shoulder and have you rest your head on mine. I want you to stroke my back as I close my eyes and forget about the day. I can forget about work and non-work. It will be just me and you laughing about aliens and Jon Snow.

You told me you’re afraid you’re unable to ever form bonds. You feel anxious around people – even your best friend. You worry about going out and would much rather be alone. Silence worries you. “But a few years ago you said you can be silent around me, has that changed?” “No.”

“Wow. That’s pretty cool. I feel safe around you too,” I say.¬†“I feel the connection too. It feels like¬†electricity¬†on my knees and a coolness in my mind,” ¬†I do not say.

And months have gone by. I introduce you to my friend. And you decide to give it a go. “She’s perfect for you.” I say. “I wish you had tried with me” I do not say.

I know I do not love you. So why do I feel shards sticking into me every time you speak about her?

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Birthday wishes 

I turn a minute older. And just like that I am a whole year wiser.

Yesterday started with me feeling unwell. Colouring to clear the cobwebs clouding up my mind. It ended with me arguing with my mum. She hurt me deep. But then she offered me an olive branch and I snapped it in two.

I start of this year alone and confused.

I can only pray it will go up from here. Happy birthday day to me.

My birthday wish is to find contentment in myself – in my choices, in the way the world is heading and in the people I have around me.

Their sacrifice

I watched In time recently – a film set in the dystopian future – where currency is time. I can’t say I enjoyed the film very much but the concept was an interesting one. ¬†The film touched on many themes – capitalism, greed, the idea of what living truly means. Now I can’t say that I understand capitalism well enough to give a coherent criticism and I do work in the corporate world so that would be somewhat hypocritical of me.

But one thing idea that did linger in my mind is the morality of killing a few to save the many. Immediately I am sure we would all say no, that is wrong. All lives matter.

Yet this is the reality of our peaceful survival. The only way we know how to continue being happy, continue pretending our lives are important. Believing in meritocracy.  Continue reading

Down melody lane

Music can trigger some of the most vivid memories we¬†have. Sometimes it’s the lyrics themselves – speaking words we didn’t know how to string together. Other times it’s the space we’re in, the people we’re with, the adventures we’re living. I’ve had a think about my top 5 memorable songs. These are not necessarily my favourite songs – because that changes with my mood – but music that remind me of periods of my life. Come and join me down melody lane.¬† Continue reading

Meant to be

I know we are not meant to be. You’re all logic and measurements. All seriousness and get it done tick box. I’m all heart and emotion. All living in the moment, don’t hurt anyone, it’ll work out fine in the end.

I know you sit there judging me. Wishing I could be more like you. Stop cursing. Stop laughing so loud with your boys that are trying so hard to make me laugh. Stop wearing that deep red lipstick that flickers a desire within you that you don’t want to need to control.

I know we are not meant to be. But you’re so perfect to me. And I want nothing more than to fit into your puzzle. Create our own picture. Solve it together.¬†They all think I’m so cool. Chilled and feisty. The banter train ready. Get set, go. And I do go. Keep going till they ask me if it could, perhaps, be. But it can’t. Because I don’t want them. Even though I know we are not meant to be.

No matter how impossible, unattainable, or unimaginable something may be, if it’s meant to be – it’ll be. – unknown¬†

Giving too much

I give too much of myself.

I give up too much of time – checking emails whilst in bed, writing press releases on the train, meetings during the day, attending events during the evening and planning my own late into the night. I take on new projects others have little time for. And I mentor those who care, helping them focus their energy.

I give up too much of my love – continuing to help even when they’ve turned away before, remembering to forgive and give ‘just one more chance, just this last time – I promise‘. I prioritise the feelings and happiness of others above my own. And I will put myself on the line for the people and causes I care about.¬† Continue reading