Two years gone by

I look as I did two years ago. Not an inch taller, not a wrinkle wiser. In fact, I look as I did 10 years. Photos only revealing their age from the clothes I chose to wear.

So how have I changed in the last 2 years? Coincidently, this is not only the prompt for today’s “post a day“, but also the two year anniversary of my blog! Almost magic. Two years ago I began my career in a corporate company. Before then I had completed my masters and then worked in the charity sector. That in itself was a massive change for me. All of a sudden I was, by choice, in an environment and world I had spend much of my time the year before opposing. 

I started off hating life. Hating every morning. Spending time in the bathroom during work away from it all. Two years on, and I do still have days when I feel like this. But it’s not every day. 

That’s not to say I have given in. Quite the contrary. I know this is not the career I want, yet, I know what I am gaining from being there. And I have finally been able to distinguish between my life and my career. My job is not my life. As a woman who throws herself in fully, it took some growing to recognise this. My life exists outside of my career – for now. 

One day I may find a career that I am able to happily intertwine with my whole life. Colleagues that I consider to be friends, and even family. Work I can apply in the way I conduct my day to day. Values I can share in and out of the office. This is not it. And that’s ok. 

It is funny how I think of how I’ve changed over the last two years and focus on the area that, on the surface, hasn’t changed at all. Funny because when it comes to my personal life, so much has changed. 

I have been going to therapy (in response to my childhood sexual abuse) – and in fact next week will be my final session. And I am in a relationship with my best friend. Cheesy, I know. But cheesy I am. Those are deeper topics I’d like to dedicate a post each to. 

How have you changed in the last two years?

The ordinary girl

She wakes up an ordinary girl. Gets ready for work, works, relaxes, goes to bed. Her life like clockwork, ordinary.

But as her head hits her pillow and she closes her eyes, her mind fills with extraordinary things: creatures and whole worlds, revolutions and solutions, hopes and dreams. She flicks through the channels, what will she explore today? Ideas for stories and plays or perhaps art she’d like to create. They all rushed to the front of her mind – “pick me, pick me”, they say –, finally released from the dark corner she stores them, allowing her to go in with her ordinary day.

Her existence transforms whilst she lies on her bed, under her duvet, in her small room, eyes tightly shut. Her mind bursts with colour and action, whilst her room sits still and dark.

One by one she plays with them, develops them and makes them grow stronger. Each thought filled with passion, determination and risk. Till she is sure today will be the day she wakes up an extraordinary girl. Jogs with the sunrise, pitches her ideas, makes new friends, develops her relationships, creates, discovers, explores, goes to bed. Her life like a circuit, lighting up and making connections.

Yet whilst deep in her slumber, her insecurities and fears turn into riot control. They lock shields and circle, drawing closer and closer, shoving all her extraordinary thoughts back into their dark corner. “Go back, she’s not ready” they say – forcing all the colour to seep away.

She wakes up an ordinary girl. Gets ready for work, works, relaxes, goes to bed. Her life like clockwork, ordinary. 

Perfection consists not in doing extraordinary things, but in doing ordinary things extraordinarily well – Angelique Arnauld