Is it a date?

Does one party have to explicitly ask the other out “on a date” or would “do you want to catch a movie together” count as an invite to a date? Is it a date if the guy pays but only so you can sit next to each other and you know you’ll just pay him back later anyway?

Do you have to eat? And does it have to be anywhere fancy? What if you plan to eat but then realise neither of you are even hungry?

What counts as a date?

What if you’re just friends. In fact you even have a conversation about the levels of friendship and he names you as one of his closest friends? You call each other mate. You talk about each other’s relationships (or lack of). But you’re both single. And he has had a crush on you before. And I guess, perhaps, you had a crush on the idea of him before.

What if you’re sitting there in the dark, wondering if it’s a date, wondering if he’s wondering the same thing? Yet he does not reach over – stays very much in his seat, keeps his arms to himself.

I guess I wonder because, perhaps deep inside, I’d like it to be one.

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Dear ex-fiancée

I knew you were wrong for me right at the start. As soon as I said yes. The first time, seven years ago. When I said yes to you asking me out over the phone. You didn’t even give me the respect then to ask me face to face. No romantic gestures, not even your whole heart.
And I regret it. I regret all those nights wasted talking to you, hearing your tales even though I knew they were lies. I regret all those days I lied to my friends and families, missing out on meals with them so I could see you. I regret all the times I let you see me and touch me in ways no one else had. I regret baring the deepest secrets only for you to manipulate and twist my words. I regret the tears flown and the compromises made even when I knew I was right and you were wrong. There are so many things I regret. Seven years of regret.

I wish I did not keep coming back to you. Time and time again. Even though I knew you were twisted and twisting me. You did not make me grow but rather tried to contain and control me. I wonder still how much further I would have flown if you had not clipped me.

But through all that regret, I am grateful. Grateful for the lessons learnt, for the support my family provided me, and the resilience I grew to adopt. And most of all, I am so grateful I did not marry you.

I don’t thank you for those. Those were all me. But I forgive you. I know you’re suffering something deeper which means you don’t know how to love without taking, how to respect without hurting or how to talk without lying.

Do you regret? Do you regret flirting with her which then turned into full on cheating? Do you regret just not telling me at the start rather than continuing for four years? Do you regret all the times you didn’t trust me, even though I’ve always been nothing my faithful to you – perhaps a little naive? Do you regret hurting my family in the process?

I am better than you in every sense of the word. I see that now, though I didn’t see it then. Education, work, looks, friends, faith, passion. Is that why you were always so insecure? Do you regret not fighting harder to keep me?

I just hope you regret what you did to me so that no one else has to go through the same.

This post was prompted by the word ‘regret’ – as part of the one word inspiration challenge suggested by Writing 101. What do you regret from a past relationship?

Not so little brother

This morning I found myself reminiscing about the cute things my not-so-little 16 year old brother has said to me over the years. Most of the time he is picky and builds up a rage inside me that only his annoying comebacks can raise.

But, once in a blue moon, he will do something or say something that will warm me to my core.  Continue reading

My Life, the Book

And yes I was sad when Zayn left.

This morning I woke up with One Direction’s “The Story Of My Life” playing in my head. The song is close to my heart, reminding me of my time in Bangladesh. Strange choice I know. I recently travelled ‘back home’ on my own. Even though the majority of my family live there, mainly due to costs but also because of school, I hadn’t visited in over ten years.

With the stress of calling off my upcoming marriage and pressures from work, I made a random decision to visit and booked tickets two weeks before leaving. My family were surprised to say the least but perhaps I can go into my whole adventure in another post.

Back to One Direction. The plane there and back did not have a charging port so I was in the mercy of the in-flight music selection. One Direction’s album was the best there was – and I guess that says something about the selection. Regardless, somewhere in the process of replaying the album continuously for eight hours (each way) I came to love it, and now associate it with my adventures and family in Bangladesh.   Continue reading