Sticks and stones may break my bones but your words cut me deeper

I was going through my notes on my phone, deleting things that don’t mean anything anymore. And then across a note I had last updated in 19th January 2013. They contain the words of my ex. Words he would say whilst we were arguing. And I’d write them down so I would not go back to him but like a fool I always did. Even after all those years they still hurt and I’m so disappointed in myself for staying with it for so long.

Finally those words are deleted out of my life. And slowly but surely I am deleting the memorise of him out too.

Once a whore always a whore

Your tears don’t mean shit to me. You look pathetic when you cry

You’re such a pathetic little shit

What I said, ok it was wrong, but see how angry YOU make me?

Don’t call me again or I’ll chuck my phone in your face

Me: I love you

You: Whatever, bye

Is it a date?

Does one party have to explicitly ask the other out “on a date” or would “do you want to catch a movie together” count as an invite to a date? Is it a date if the guy pays but only so you can sit next to each other and you know you’ll just pay him back later anyway?

Do you have to eat? And does it have to be anywhere fancy? What if you plan to eat but then realise neither of you are even hungry?

What counts as a date?

What if you’re just friends. In fact you even have a conversation about the levels of friendship and he names you as one of his closest friends? You call each other mate. You talk about each other’s relationships (or lack of). But you’re both single. And he has had a crush on you before. And I guess, perhaps, you had a crush on the idea of him before.

What if you’re sitting there in the dark, wondering if it’s a date, wondering if he’s wondering the same thing? Yet he does not reach over – stays very much in his seat, keeps his arms to himself.

I guess I wonder because, perhaps deep inside, I’d like it to be one.

Dear ex-fiancée

I knew you were wrong for me right at the start. As soon as I said yes. The first time, seven years ago. When I said yes to you asking me out over the phone. You didn’t even give me the respect then to ask me face to face. No romantic gestures, not even your whole heart.
And I regret it. I regret all those nights wasted talking to you, hearing your tales even though I knew they were lies. I regret all those days I lied to my friends and families, missing out on meals with them so I could see you. I regret all the times I let you see me and touch me in ways no one else had. I regret baring the deepest secrets only for you to manipulate and twist my words. I regret the tears flown and the compromises made even when I knew I was right and you were wrong. There are so many things I regret. Seven years of regret.

I wish I did not keep coming back to you. Time and time again. Even though I knew you were twisted and twisting me. You did not make me grow but rather tried to contain and control me. I wonder still how much further I would have flown if you had not clipped me.

But through all that regret, I am grateful. Grateful for the lessons learnt, for the support my family provided me, and the resilience I grew to adopt. And most of all, I am so grateful I did not marry you.

I don’t thank you for those. Those were all me. But I forgive you. I know you’re suffering something deeper which means you don’t know how to love without taking, how to respect without hurting or how to talk without lying.

Do you regret? Do you regret flirting with her which then turned into full on cheating? Do you regret just not telling me at the start rather than continuing for four years? Do you regret all the times you didn’t trust me, even though I’ve always been nothing my faithful to you – perhaps a little naive? Do you regret hurting my family in the process?

I am better than you in every sense of the word. I see that now, though I didn’t see it then. Education, work, looks, friends, faith, passion. Is that why you were always so insecure? Do you regret not fighting harder to keep me?

I just hope you regret what you did to me so that no one else has to go through the same.

This post was prompted by the word ‘regret’ – as part of the one word inspiration challenge suggested by Writing 101. What do you regret from a past relationship?

Meant to be

I know we are not meant to be. You’re all logic and measurements. All seriousness and get it done tick box. I’m all heart and emotion. All living in the moment, don’t hurt anyone, it’ll work out fine in the end.

I know you sit there judging me. Wishing I could be more like you. Stop cursing. Stop laughing so loud with your boys that are trying so hard to make me laugh. Stop wearing that deep red lipstick that flickers a desire within you that you don’t want to need to control.

I know we are not meant to be. But you’re so perfect to me. And I want nothing more than to fit into your puzzle. Create our own picture. Solve it together. They all think I’m so cool. Chilled and feisty. The banter train ready. Get set, go. And I do go. Keep going till they ask me if it could, perhaps, be. But it can’t. Because I don’t want them. Even though I know we are not meant to be.

No matter how impossible, unattainable, or unimaginable something may be, if it’s meant to be – it’ll be. – unknown 

First date: the post-nerves 

So I went on my first date yesterday! I was super nervous but thankfully it went well! I didn’t faint, choke or do anything too embarrassing and here I am telling the tale so he didn’t end up being a murderer.

Actually thinking about it now it went really well. Conversation was flowing, he made me feel very at ease and time just flew by! He kept scoring brownie points after brownie points – leading to fixing of a second date. I know it’s way too early to tell if this will lead to anything serious but the signs are looking positive.

Here are my top 5 ‘this ones a keeper’ moments:  Continue reading

First Date: the pre-nerves

I’m going on my first date since the big break up. I haven’t really blogged about it before but I mention both him and the new guy here. This is the guy who I said isn’t the perfect someone because the initial attraction just wasn’t there. Since then we’ve bumped into each other a few times – we have a tonne of mutal friends – so I learnt a little more about him. He’s actually a pretty awesome guy but also very humble. So we’ve decided to give it a go.

I’ve never been on a date before. My ex is the only person I have ever been with and we were good friends before he asked me out, so there wasn’t any awkward getting to know each other period. So, naturally, I’m feeling super nervous.  Continue reading

That perfect someone 

Settle down with your perfect someone. That’s the dream we’re taught to wait for – from Disney, from the media and from friends. But I’m 23 and I still don’t know what perfect is to me. 

We dated for seven years. He knows things about me that no one else knows. He is cool, energetic and can make friends with anyone. A bad boy, the type all the girls lusted over. He made me brave and with him I found myself. We almost got married. But he cheated. And he lied. He’s not the perfect someone.

Continue reading

Being Woke

Thought I’d write a quick post on why I chose the name of my blog. Perhaps this should have come first – but I didn’t feel the need at the time and it’s here now.

Recently a friend and I were talking about the struggles of finding other Bengali friends who are woke. The context behind the conversation: traditionally, Bengali parents (and families in general) would prefer it if their child married someone who is also Bengali. In some families this is more than just preference and more of a requirement.

This angered me a lot as I was growing up. I could see the local boys hurting my friends, being immature and I guess being like all other boys at the age. But I internalised this as a Bengali thing and was determined not to marry a Bengali person. And slowly, as I realised my father would probably never allow me marry the mixed-race, tattoo covered revert of my dreams*, I decided I would never get married.  Continue reading