Dear ex-fiancée

I knew you were wrong for me right at the start. As soon as I said yes. The first time, seven years ago. When I said yes to you asking me out over the phone. You didn’t even give me the respect then to ask me face to face. No romantic gestures, not even your whole heart.
And I regret it. I regret all those nights wasted talking to you, hearing your tales even though I knew they were lies. I regret all those days I lied to my friends and families, missing out on meals with them so I could see you. I regret all the times I let you see me and touch me in ways no one else had. I regret baring the deepest secrets only for you to manipulate and twist my words. I regret the tears flown and the compromises made even when I knew I was right and you were wrong. There are so many things I regret. Seven years of regret.

I wish I did not keep coming back to you. Time and time again. Even though I knew you were twisted and twisting me. You did not make me grow but rather tried to contain and control me. I wonder still how much further I would have flown if you had not clipped me.

But through all that regret, I am grateful. Grateful for the lessons learnt, for the support my family provided me, and the resilience I grew to adopt. And most of all, I am so grateful I did not marry you.

I don’t thank you for those. Those were all me. But I forgive you. I know you’re suffering something deeper which means you don’t know how to love without taking, how to respect without hurting or how to talk without lying.

Do you regret? Do you regret flirting with her which then turned into full on cheating? Do you regret just not telling me at the start rather than continuing for four years? Do you regret all the times you didn’t trust me, even though I’ve always been nothing my faithful to you – perhaps a little naive? Do you regret hurting my family in the process?

I am better than you in every sense of the word. I see that now, though I didn’t see it then. Education, work, looks, friends, faith, passion. Is that why you were always so insecure? Do you regret not fighting harder to keep me?

I just hope you regret what you did to me so that no one else has to go through the same.

This post was prompted by the word ‘regret’ – as part of the one word inspiration challenge suggested by Writing 101. What do you regret from a past relationship?

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You can’t sit with us

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What do you do when your whole life has been built on layers of lies on top of lies? Who you are, who the people are around you, what you like, what you want from life, who you trust, what you dislike and where you’re from.

I guess it’s a a matter of finding yourself. But that is an isolating process. You need to get rid of things and peoples and memories you thought were the truth or important or even relevant. And you need to let in things and peoples and memories you don’t fully understand. Yet people expect you to fully understand and to be where they are already. Because you are now one of them. One of us.

How do you start all over again when where you want to be will take years but you only have days? You talk the talk and even walk the walk but how much of it is faking it till you make it? And how many of them know this about you, resent you for it and are waiting for you to go away again, just as quickly and suddenly as you had come? Go away to find this new version of yourself that you once again think is yourself until proven otherwise. How many more reinventions until you find your truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth?

And can it be that you have always known and you will always keep knowing – you don’t belong here – you can’t sit with us.

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