Dear ex-fiancée

I knew you were wrong for me right at the start. As soon as I said yes. The first time, seven years ago. When I said yes to you asking me out over the phone. You didn’t even give me the respect then to ask me face to face. No romantic gestures, not even your whole heart.
And I regret it. I regret all those nights wasted talking to you, hearing your tales even though I knew they were lies. I regret all those days I lied to my friends and families, missing out on meals with them so I could see you. I regret all the times I let you see me and touch me in ways no one else had. I regret baring the deepest secrets only for you to manipulate and twist my words. I regret the tears flown and the compromises made even when I knew I was right and you were wrong. There are so many things I regret. Seven years of regret.

I wish I did not keep coming back to you. Time and time again. Even though I knew you were twisted and twisting me. You did not make me grow but rather tried to contain and control me. I wonder still how much further I would have flown if you had not clipped me.

But through all that regret, I am grateful. Grateful for the lessons learnt, for the support my family provided me, and the resilience I grew to adopt. And most of all, I am so grateful I did not marry you.

I don’t thank you for those. Those were all me. But I forgive you. I know you’re suffering something deeper which means you don’t know how to love without taking, how to respect without hurting or how to talk without lying.

Do you regret? Do you regret flirting with her which then turned into full on cheating? Do you regret just not telling me at the start rather than continuing for four years? Do you regret all the times you didn’t trust me, even though I’ve always been nothing my faithful to you – perhaps a little naive? Do you regret hurting my family in the process?

I am better than you in every sense of the word. I see that now, though I didn’t see it then. Education, work, looks, friends, faith, passion. Is that why you were always so insecure? Do you regret not fighting harder to keep me?

I just hope you regret what you did to me so that no one else has to go through the same.

This post was prompted by the word ‘regret’ – as part of the one word inspiration challenge suggested by Writing 101. What do you regret from a past relationship?

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Pet Peeves: a list

I am an avid list maker. You may have noticed this is my previous posts such as the one about my brother, the one about my first date or the one about white people. I even considered listing the posts that contained lists in them but I don’t think anyone is that passionate about lists. I make lists daily – my to do list, my order of things to wear this week to work list, my what to write on this blog list. Lists make me feel organised. So I have no qualms with today’s writing 101 challenge of making a list. I was recently speaking to my sister about pet peeves* so here are mine –

  1. When people don’t shut the lid to the toothpaste and leave it on the sink. It’s not that hard people – a simple extension of the arm will return all back to normal
  2. People brushing their teeth near me, or hearing the sound of teeth brushing. This literally makes my skin crawl. I can’t watch toothpaste commercials, can’t share a bathroom and need to close my eyes when we go to residentials where we all need to share one large bathroom with several sinks. It makes me shudder just thinking about it.
  3. Those squirty anti-bacterial gels. All they do is dry out your hands. Yes they may kill a few bacteria but I’m sure your stomach or even your saliva would have managed that. It doesn’t kill off the germs that actually do you harm – all a ploy to trick our nation of clean freaks.
  4. Public beef on Facebook. If you’ve got an issue with someone, call them, see them, text them – anything but write a barely disguised status on Facebook which they respond to on their own status. And for God’s sake – do not tag others in so they can see/comment. I’ll be honest – with friends who are all atleast in their early 20s, this is not something I witness anymore. But I know it happens in other friend circles and makes me shake my head in dispair (and pity to be honest).
  5. People saying or doing something racist and then denying it or using the “I have a friend of that colour/creed” as a justification. It literally makes my blood boil.

So those are my top 5. What’s your pet peeve? 

* pet peeves are things or habits other people do that you find extremely irritating. 

**I usually have quotes and gifs/memes on all my posts but with my new job I’m having to post from my phone. Will edit when I have the time. 

I write

I write.

I write because the words I want to say remain jumbled in my mind, the voices repeating themselves again and again – so loudly yet remaining silent. Taunting me with the “you should have said this” and “you could have responded with that”. Hindsight. I want to feel the joy when I say it like I meant it and you get it like I intended it and we connect – even just for a little while.

I write so my heart aches less and to fill the void in my soul. To release build up of pain and bottling of frustration. I want to feed the juices that run through me, feel the buzz, rejoice in the energy.

I write to hide from my world. The judging eyes and piercing lips that with just a few sounds can crush my spirit. I want to feel unchained and winged. To say what I want without the fear of politics or religion or love getting in the way.

I write to be the many sides of me. To be more than my big brain or small body. I want to be multi-dimensional and fluid. The happy, the angry, the strong, the lonely.

I write because I can. Because I can’t say. Because you don’t see. Because we don’t listen.